What to give
by PurpleYin
Summary: when you're going, how do you know. spoilers for nerve and hidden memory


**What to Give **By Purpleyin

Summary: Aeryn's thoughts in "Nerve" Spoilers: "Nerve", "A Bug's Life", "Premiere" and "The Flax"

Authors notes: I luv this ep and had to write about it. This was written such a long time ago. It needs redoing really, I'm a better writer now. But not sure when it will get done

Feedback:. All feedback is appreciated especially if you have any idea

Disclaimer: I don't own any rights to John or Aeryn or any other Farscape characters, they are all owned by Jim Henson etc and I'm only borrowing them for my piece of fanfic which is for any fan to read.

_

* * *

I was training and like many times before, Crichton came in. I had been managing to hide it from him for a while now, only Zhann knew and she kept quiet as I wished. He wouldn't find out until the end, when it would be over. I was afraid to tell him, I didn't know humans but after the way john acted about killing Hassan and Larraq, I bet that death was a big issue and he would not accept it lightly. He had to know though but I was afraid of telling him because I knew it would hurt him so much. I didn't want to hurt him but I would feel hurt too if he cared none but I knew that he did even if he never said. I knew since when I woke up and he was there telling me how lucky I'd been and I gave him that back instead. The comment "Closer than you think". I wouldn't have known he'd heard apart from the look in his eyes, the hurt and jealousy that flashed for a moment, I saw it even if he didn't_.

Suddenly she started coughing and collapsed. She'd coughed up blood on the punching bag; he knew something 'was up' by now. She started explaining. He didn't accept it, not a bit. _Does he ever give up?_ _I should be pleased that he wants me to live and that it was me he couldn't give up on._

I said goodbye, shaked hands and said good luck like he asked me to. I had so much more to say, wanted to say. Maybe so had he but only a few words passed our lips and he was gone and I didn't know if he would come back or that I would see him come back.

Aeryn told D'argo that she would die alone. She knew even he would doubt that. And he would be right. What she meant was she wanted to think, before she died. To sort out things. When she said she wanted to die alone, she was lying. She didn't. Just as before in the flax on the transport pod. She tried again and again to get john breathing again and he did. She didn't know what would have happened if he had not breathed again. But in the flax it wasn't just that she didn't want to die by herself, it was she didn't want Crichton to die either, with or without her. _She needed him. Now, but of course he wasn't here. Typical. I'm going to die and I accept that but now we may both die and neither together._

_Dying alone_. If she was going to die she wanted Crichton. To be there like he said he would, to be there so she could talk like he always wanted her to. But now he was gone, to die too. He must be homicidal. They'll discover him for sure.

She slid herself out of bed gently slowly putting the pressure on her fragile body, looked outside her quarters to check for D'argo or Zhann and then hurried as fast as possible to crichton's quarters.

She searched the untidy piles of his possessions for the slim black box that he used to record some messages or records. She found it under a NeMaeNa Wand given to him by Zhann, it was believed by the delvians that it helped your destiny run smooth by the power and guidance of Ka'Ha'leen. Well, this destiny sure ran smooth as a Hetari Bel'ourus. She picked up one of the accompanying tapes and slotted it into the recorder.

Back in Aeryn's quarters she hid the small black tape in her Janin box in the hope that it would be found in the event of her death, if she died that was. She had managed to get back to her quarters in time to hide the tape and get back in bed before D'argo and Zhann came back in. All the exercise had made her exhausted and probably worsened her condition.

Aeryn stood still while Zhann stuck tubes in her arm from moya to help stabilise her and free her of the toxins that were killing her. She hoped it worked, she was beginning to see

why Crichton had been so stubborn about accepting it and why he wouldn't give up. Maybe there was still hope for her, or another way, another cure. She gave in to sleep while effectively plugged into moya, it was almost as before when she had pilots DNA in her. Only this time it was soothing not an overload of senses. It dawned on her that moya knew what was happening and was trying to comfort her. She blessed moya, who like everyone else was doing all they could. She drifted slowly into a deep sleep not even awakened by moya contractions.

_I awoke to be surrounded by Zhann, D'argo and Chiana with Zhann holding some sort of hypo-spray in her hand. She told me what it was and then injected it into me. It would be only a short while until I was fully recovered. D'argo sat with me for a while holding my hand. I wasn't dying anymore; I'd have to erase the tape before anyone found it, like Chiana for example_. She looked up at D'argo and said thank you. She knew however it should be john sitting there and he was not.

He hadn't come back. He might not. She didn't know what he had risked for her, even what he was now risking for her. She preferred the later, it had hope that he was still alive but noone said anything, maybe because it would be false hope. He might have died for her. She lied back closing her eyes to hold back the tears. She was alive but he maybe dead, at least they would not both die of this but she wished it was her and not him.


End file.
